Most people would tell you I’m pretty open. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I’m feeling something I will tell you. If I say I miss you, it is because I really do miss you. Sometimes the open book is a good thing…sometimes it isn’t. Because when people always think they know what you’re feeling by your actions, reactions, and the expression on your face it’s gets easy to fool them into seeing what you want them to see. I am very skilled at putting on a brave face.
You may be wondering what all that has to do with the hard questions. Well when it really matters, when my emotions are on the line, that’s where I put on my brave face; I don’t ask the hard questions, and I certainly don’t answer them…..at least not completely honestly. This comes under the same category as not letting them see you hurt. I don’t tend to do that. If you’ve seen me cry (when it wasn’t at a book, film, etc), then I must have really been at some sort of breaking point, right at my limits because that’s the only way the brave face cracks.
So what are these hard questions; Do you like me? Do you love me? Do you want to go out with me? What’s wrong? What does that mean? Where did it go wrong?
And the answers that scare me the most: Yes, no, everything, nothing, I can’t tell you, I can’t tell YOU, I don’t know, maybe. Any answer to those questions scares me. Because experience has taught me that my answering, and my asking have serious negative consequences. They won’t lead to good things, and even if they do it won’t last.
So until someone is willing to scale the walls I’ve built, and slay the demons I’m hiding, I’ll just smile and nod, and say I’m okay because that’s what I do. Maybe someday someone will be worthy, will think I’m worth it, will tell me what I need to hear so that I can fight through, and start to believe. And maybe they won’t but either way I won’t let them see me cry. This song seems to fit what I’m trying to say.
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