Online Dating

Personal Article

It’s been a while since I wrote this type of personal article. Online dating began in the 90’s, but it has blossomed in the last ten years with a variety of sites becoming available. I’ve tried it……on multiple occasions. Every so often I re-activate my accounts on dating sites, and see how things go. This has given me a store of tales in my library, so when I got chatting to Jay, who in 1999 founded SwingTowns, the Leading Open, Poly, Kink and Swingers Dating Social Network. I thought it was the perfect time to tell some of those stories I have been saving.

online dating

Online Dating

Usually when I chat to someone from a dating site I have to explain the whole non-monogamous, bisexual thing. It often surprises me how often people actually ask me what I mean. For me they are mainstream terms, and reasonably self-explanatory so it confuses me when people ask me to explain them. The conversation generally goes downhill from there. I used to have it on my profile but it caused more issues than it solved. It was much easier to chat to someone, and once I was comfortable enough to arrange a meet up mention it. The reactions vary quite a bit from the guys who immediately ask if that means we can have a threesome, the women who ask if I’m just experimenting with lesbian sex, and the horrifying ones who tell me I’m going to hell before they block me.

I have had a few good responses; one guy who was relieved because he was the same, and he was happy he didn’t have to explain it. We went out for a few months but we realised it wasn’t going to work out, despite some similarities we ultimately wanted different things, and the chemistry just wasn’t there in the bedroom. We lost touch after that. There was a girl who was happy for me to date men while seeing her but would rather I didn’t see any other women. That was okay with me too but she ended up not being able to deal with it in the end…which I totally get, non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. There was a stream of people I kind of felt were just dating me so they could tick me off some sort of bucket list, they were all an interesting experience.

I can’t remember at what point I got fed up of trying to explain it to people, and decided to just not mention it until I’d been on at least one date with someone. See if we clicked in person, and had chemistry before I told them. It’s funny how much it changed my online dating experience. I had a really great first date with a guy, we’d really clicked online and got on really well. He was older than me but only by five years, and he was just kind of adorable in the things he would say. I’d had a few bad experiences so I decided I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date. I was hoping if I took sex off the table things might go better.

We planned a fab day time date, something that appealed to the geek in both of us. We met at the cinema and went to see a new comic book film. We had really great chemistry, and when he took my hand in the cinema it felt totally natural. After the cinema, we headed off to a pub for a late lunch. Four hours later we were still chatting, laughing, and kissing in the hidden booth at the back of the pub. We ended up going to another couple of pubs, I’d switched to soda at some point because I didn’t want to get drunk. I was having too much fun. We’d been out all day together. It was about 9pm, we were walking between pubs, and he was talking about checking his train times so he could get home. I casually asked if his return ticket was open, when he said yes, I told him he could come home with me if he wanted. He actually stumbled as my words hit him. I have to admit that made me smile a lot.

We had one last drink, and then headed back to mine. My housemates were in the living room when we got in so I felt I had to do a quick intro before heading up to my room. I put on a film, and we snuggled up on my bed to watch it. We continued the touching, stroking and kissing that had been started in the pub but because we had privacy we were able to start taking off layers, and getting naked. Afterwards we cuddled up and he fell asleep stroking my hair. The next morning, we had some more fun together and then we got to chatting. As I talked about various things, little bits of doubt started creeping in. He was a monogamous guy, which is totally cool but seemed to think I would become monogamous when I met the right guy. There were a few other little things that gave me pause, and I ended up deciding not to see him again. He was a really nice guy; very sweet, caring, considerate, and the sex was really good. We just weren’t right for each other.

When you’re online dating it’s quite hard to be bisexual, non-monogamous and kinky using ‘regular’ (or vanilla) dating apps. Even more so when you houseshare, and feel awkward bringing people home on the first date. Which is why websites like SwingTowns are such a great idea, they take a lot of the worry out of online dating for people like me, people who society seems to consider the weird people of the dating world.

 

You can read more of my dating tales here.

 

 

**Disclaimer – This article was written in conjunction with SwingTowns, The Leading Open, Poly, Kink and Swingers Dating Social Network.

 

 

Hard Questions – Wicked Wednesday

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 22nd post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Hard Questions. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

hard questionsAre there something you want to ask, or someone you want to ask something? Or maybe someone has asked you a question and you want to answer it? This is the week to share your questions… and answers.

Hard Questions

Most people would tell you I’m pretty open. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and if I’m feeling something I will tell you. If I say I miss you, it is because I really do miss you. Sometimes the open book is a good thing…sometimes it isn’t. Because when people always think they know what you’re feeling by your actions, reactions, and the expression on your face it’s gets easy to fool them into seeing what you want them to see. I am very skilled at putting on a brave face.

You may be wondering what all that has to do with the hard questions. Well when it really matters, when my emotions are on the line, that’s where I put on my brave face; I don’t ask the hard questions, and I certainly don’t answer them…..at least not completely honestly. This comes under the same category as not letting them see you hurt. I don’t tend to do that. If you’ve seen me cry (when it wasn’t at a book, film, etc), then I must have really been at some sort of breaking point, right at my limits because that’s the only way the brave face cracks.

So what are these hard questions; Do you like me? Do you love me? Do you want to go out with me? What’s wrong? What does that mean? Where did it go wrong?

And the answers that scare me the most: Yes, no, everything, nothing, I can’t tell you, I can’t tell YOU, I don’t know, maybe.  Any answer to those questions scares me. Because experience has taught me that my answering, and my asking have serious negative consequences. They won’t lead to good things, and even if they do it won’t last.

So until someone is willing to scale the walls I’ve built, and slay the demons I’m hiding, I’ll just smile and nod, and say I’m okay because that’s what I do. Maybe someday someone will be worthy, will think I’m worth it, will tell me what I need to hear so that I can fight through, and start to believe. And maybe they won’t but either way I won’t let them see me cry. This song seems to fit what I’m trying to say.

 

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hard questions

Valentine Day – Personal Post I Hate Valentine’s Day

Personal Post

I hate Valentine Day, hate it with a passion. It has nothing to do with being single, I hate it all the time. Always have. It is complete and utter commercial clap-trap.

valentine day

The price of chocolate, flowers, etc all goes up. It’s impossible to get a table at a decent restaurant, and even if you do manage to book a table, it won’t be a romantic dinner for two. There is nothing romantic about brushing elbows with the next table because the restaurant (wanting to capitalise on the romance bullshit) have crammed in an extra dozen or so tables.

I really hate Valentine Day. I’d rather a guy showed me he loved me the other 364 days of the year, in little (cost nothing) ways, than make some grand romantic gesture on one day because they feel they have to. Don’t waste money buying me flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s when if you wait three days you can buy me three times as much for the same money. It’s insane.

I’ve always been like this, even at school where everyone makes a big deal, and you are made to participate in card swaps, I was the person who refused to accept cards. Especially when there were kids who felt bad because no-one gave them a card. Urgh. The whole thing just makes me crazy.

valentine day

Valentine Day

I actually broke up with an ex because of Valentine Day. In the run up he’d been asking me what I wanted, and I explained quite calmly and reasonably that I didn’t want anything, not even a card. And I wouldn’t be getting him anything. I told him how much I dislike the day, and that it is basically commercial nonsense made-up to wheedle more money out of people for no reason. I had this same conversation with him at least twice a week for about four weeks running up to Valentine’s.

So imagine my surprise when he turns up at my place on Valentine Day, with presents, one of those hideous giant cards, wine, and tells me he’s taking me out to dinner. I tried to be gracious about it; I went and got changed into a pretty dress, I gushed over my present (which was actually pretty cool), enthused about the wine, and thanked him for the card. Maybe you can see the road-bump coming, have you guessed what caused the argument…..

I stand up to get my coat so we can go to the restaurant (after displaying the hideous card on a windowsill), he frowns, and says “Where’s mine?” Exactly those words…… “Where’s mine?” I have to admit, I think my mouth fell open in shock. I stared at him lost for words, well I wasn’t actually lost for words, my inner voice was just screaming curse words so loud I couldn’t manage to form a coherent sentence. I think my first actual words were to ask if he was kidding, closely followed by a comment on his intelligence and parentage.

I’m not sure how we ended up still going to the restaurant but it really wasn’t the best idea. We’d been lucky enough to catch one of their booths, now under normal circumstances their booths were great. They’re rounded, with a round table so you can sort of snuggle. However, under these circumstances it wasn’t good. We were sat so far apart we might actually have been trying to join the couples at the tables next to us, while we glared at each other with folded arms. I at least managed to be polite to the waiter, a frazzled looking young man, who cheerfully asked if either of us had the vegetarian option, and would we like red or white wine with our meal. (Another thing I hate about restaurants on Valentine Day are the bloody set menus – grrrrr). After he brought us our wine, he disappeared again in a hurry. After gulping down half of his glass of wine he finally spoke to me,
“I can’t believe you. Who does that.”
I took a deep breath before I answered, desperate not to cause a scene, “I’m not sure what you can’t believe, we discussed this more than once. I told you I wasn’t, and that you shouldn’t.”
He threw back the rest of his wine and slammed his glass on the table, causing the couple at the next table to jump,  “That’s all you’re going to say? I told you so?”
I picked up my glass, and sipped my wine, doing my best to ignore him. He continued glaring at me, as he waved his empty wine glass at the waiter. The starter was basic pate and toast but it tasted nice, and they didn’t have to worry about it getting cold. However, it did nothing to soak up the booze, and one of us was drinking like a fish.

The real trouble started with his fourth glass, I still hadn’t spoken again. The waiter was now practically sprinting away any time he had to stop by our table, and the couple next to us had shifted their table away from us slightly, and moved their chairs so they had their back to us. We’d just had our main course put in front of us, and to say it was underwhelming would be generous. If you’d put both plates together it still wouldn’t have made a decent portion. I just sat looking at it, trying not to say what I was thinking but I didn’t need to, he said it……loudly.
“What a bloody waste of money. Are you kidding me with this shit?” He looked up trying to catch the waiter but he’d mysteriously vanished, he glared at me. “Are you happy now, you fucking bitch?”
The restaurant went silent, and I felt anger flash through me. I knew my face and ears must have been bright red because I felt the rush of heat from the anger. I stood up pushing away from the table, but of course being in the booth, it was the table that moved, dumping his dinner, both glasses of wine, and our water into his lap. “Happy? I am now.” And I walked away, apologising to the waiter and slipping him a tenner on my way out the door.

I got as far as the next corner before my breathing slowed down. And then to the surprise of everyone within earshot, I yelled out a number of my favourite curse words, calling him every name I could come up with. By the time I’d finished I was completely over him, and I started laughing. I got home, chucked the card in the recycling, opened the wine, and put a film on.

I really hate Valentine Day.

 

*Apologies for the missing ‘s on Valentine throughout, my SEO app didn’t like it.

Horny Hour #1 – Thank F**k It’s Friday – Erotic Meme Erotica Prompt

Hello everyone. Welcome to the first HornyHour.

I’m sure you’re asking what is HornyHour? Horny Hour is the meme I have created. I love the memes I join in with, they push me to write more, and I decided it would be nice to have a meme on a Friday, to celebrate the end of (most people’s) working week. I will be putting up the prompt every Tuesday, and you have until Saturday morning to add your link to the page. You can find the rules for entering here. And I have tried to make it as inclusive as possible, giving not just writers and bloggers a chance to join in but also photographers, artists, etc.

horny hour

Horny Hour #1

I am dedicating this first post to the lovely Oleander Plume. This wonderful lady has been a huge help to me lately, not just in designing and creating the button and banners for Horny Hour but also being my proof-reader, my big sis, and my friend.

I chose this first prompt because I know she loves Anais Nin, and I picked a quote I thought was appropriate.

horny hour

Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934

  • Bloggers, writers, photographers, artists share your hot, hot, hot, posts inspired by the prompt.
  • Readers check out all the entries below. And give the authors some love.
  • Remember to use the #HornyHourTFIF on social media.

You can find the rules here. Please do read them before submitting.

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Still Broken – Wicked Wednesday #12

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 12th post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Still Broken. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

For this week’s prompt I will just leave this quote with you…

Still Broken

We are all broken that’s how the light gets in

Update: Even though the image says that the quote is by Hemingway, this might not be entirely true.

Image source

 

Still Broken

He mumbles in his sleep, and reaches to pull me closer, his arm drapes over my waist, his hand resting on my stomach. I lie awake hardly daring to breathe, I want to sleep but I daren’t close my eyes. What if I fall asleep and when I wake up he’s gone?

It’s taken me forever to get here. To feel like this. But part of me still doesn’t believe it. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because so many times in the past that’s what has happened. Everything is great, I think it’s working and then it falls apart.

I’ve had great sex when I was in love, that ended when it turned out all we actually had was great sex, and although I loved him he definitely didn’t love me. In fact he’d been lying to me for six months…….but the sex was really good. Really really good.

I’ve had bad sex, and I mean truly terrible sex, when I thought it was a situation that had potential. When you meet someone and the chemistry is phenomenal, and everything is going great, and then the sex is just terrible. There’s no connection, no fire, no possibility.

I’ve had okay sex, when it was just about sex. Sex that was had because I wanted it. It was fun, I enjoyed it but it didn’t rock my world. It scratched an itch, and answered some questions I had. It also helped me see that sex for the sake of it can be a lot of fun. You don’t have to be in love to have sex without it sucking.

I’ve had the kind of sex that you only have when you’re young and in love. That heady, can’t eat, can’t sleep, my whole body is burning for you sex. The kind that you remember through rose-coloured glasses. That is always good in your memory.

I’ve also had great sex with a friend, that was just about great sex. The kind that makes you want to set off fireworks, send up balloons, and dance with pompoms. The kind that makes you crave more. It’s not about love; it’s about a connection, about being something that the other needs, about being friends. About fucking amazing sex. About trusting someone to see a side of you you’ve never shared. About trusting someone and being able to explore without pressure or judgement.

In the last 18 months my life has changed a lot. It’s needed to change. I’ve needed to change. For the most part I’m ready for what’s coming next. I don’t know what that is. Or what is going to happen. But I know I’m ready for some fun. I don’t think my future is going to look anything like I imagined it would even just a year ago.

Maybe I’m still broken but I’m ready to let in the light.

 

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still broken