New Start – A Personal Post

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 33rd post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, New Start.  You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

new start

It’s the end of the year… a new year lies before us. For some 2016 has been a terrible year, for others it’s been the best one ever. We can all make a fresh start in 2017… how are you going to do that?

Come share your sexiness!

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New Start

If you’ve been reading for a while you will know I don’t do resolutions. I said it last year and the year before, and I am sure will say it again next year. What I like to do instead is to look forward, and think about my hopes for 2017. The things I am dreaming about for the coming year.

In preparing for writing this post I decided to look back at the posts from previous year to see what things I had been hoping for. The one from the beginning of 2015 made me laugh, I have changed so much since I wrote that post. The things I want are so different in some respects, and so much the same in others.  2016’s hopes was nice because some of them have really happened, I am living some of those dreams. Some of them I have still to realise, and that’s okay. It’s good to have hopes to aim for.

In 2017 I would really like to get my shit together money wise, and actually be able to afford to get my own place, it doesn’t need to be big I just want something that is mine. However, to do this I first need to clear all my credit cards, and pay off the financing on my laptop. It is doable but maybe not this year but that doesn’t mean I can’t spend 2017 working towards that goal.

I’d like to continue to build my HornyGeekGirl website, and brand. I saw my numbers increase over the last year, and I like that to continue. I think the best way to do this is to make sure I keep fresh content up. So I’d like to increase my total number of posts over the year. Another part of this is managing to read (and comment on) more posts by other people. I used to use Newsify on my iPad for reading blogs but it relied on Google Reader and since that’s gone I have struggled to find a good replacement, so my reading has been patchy. I tend to read posts on my phone, when they pop up on my Twitter feed, and due to a quirk with WordPress I can’t comment or like them (my phone won’t let me log into my WP account for some unknown reason).

I am already living part of my dream, I am writing for a living, and making money from it but I want to expand this. I need to be pitching more, and trying to break into writing for more websites, publications, etc. At the moment it is few and far between, and I’d like to be able to make it a more regular thing.

Speaking of writing; my passion was always fiction but over the last few years it has fallen by the wayside, as I got busy writing articles for paying jobs. The only fiction I’ve done has been little scenes of flash fiction for Masturbation Monday with the odd one expanded into a short story for publication. I need to be writing more fiction, and getting things together for publication. I have lots of ideas for short story collections, and novellas I just need to start working on them.

Another writing one is finishing my Masters, I need to do this so that I can start researching properly for a PhD. Obviously I want to keep studying because I love learning…….and am a crazy person. But also finishing my Masters will mean if things get a bit desperate money wise, I can pick up substitute teaching without too much trouble. Which would really help with the other goal of wanting my own place to live.

This is a big new start for me, and I have the lovely Mel of Voluptasse to thank for it. We were talking about education (she’s doing a Masters too) and our future plans, and she made a suggestion to help me. One of the things I talked about being interested in doing in the future is sex education for adults (and teens). She suggested I get in touch with Brook because they are always looking for volunteers to help deliver their sex education workshops. So that is now on my list for this year. It will be a big step for me because speaking in front of a group is pretty terrifying to this anxiety girl.

This last one is a more general hope/dream but it ties in with my earlier one of writing more. I have been talking about starting a third blog for over a year, and I think it is time to really make the push and do it. The key to making a living from writing seems to be having fingers in as many pies as possible. So I need to get sorted and get started on my food and travel blog. Okay, to start with it won’t have loads of travel because I can’t currently afford to travel much same goes for restaurant reviews and eating out but that doesn’t mean I can’t talk about places I have been before, or share recipes. I am excited about this I love food and travel, and really want to translate that passion into my work.

And my last one I want to read more. In 2016 I read 52 new books, that number doesn’t include books I re-read, and I re-read quite a lot. I know I read the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson series more than once. And I re-read Wild, the Banned & Banished series, the Hunger Games trilogy, the Divergent trilogy, 1st 3 books in the Swallows and Amazons series, a number of my Point Horror books, and some other books from my childhood. I re-read a lot of books because I find them comforting. The books I love are like a warm cosy blanket, that makes me feel happy and safe.  I’ve set my 2017 goal at 60 books, and again that is new books only. I shared a photo on my book and film review blog of my to-read pile……which is so big it is actually 3 piles. I hope to have reduced those piles significantly by the end of the year.

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Preparation – A Look at my Preparations for Wicked Wednesday

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 32nd post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Preparation. I was going to talk about my Christmas preparation and plans but then I got the idea to write about a much more sexy type of preparation. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

preparationChristmas is coming closer and everyone is busy with some kind of preparation, even if you don’t like the Christmas time. What kind of preparations are you making? Maybe even non-Christmassy ones? Share your sexiness!

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Preparation

Sometimes I take more care with my preparation than others. I am usually groomed but on some occasions I like to go the extra mile. I don’t just want to be hair free, I want to be silky smooth and soft. For me this involves a careful match up of exfoliating, shaving, exfoliating again, followed by lots and lots of moisturiser….

I carefully spread the bath sheet towel over the end of my bed before going to the bathroom.Using the shower head I wet body. Then I carefully do my first round of exfoliation; for this I use a homemade mix of sugar, olive oil and lemon juice. You mix it all up to a thick paste that is still crumbly, and not too wet. I rub this onto my entire body, even over my vulva, being careful not to get it too close to any openings (sugar and warm wet areas is not a good combo). I step back into the shower, rinsing it off without using any shower gel or soap, just rubbing under the warm running water. You do need to rinse off the bath or shower floor quite well after doing this because it will be slippery. I don’t dry my skin, I just wrap a towel round me leaving my skin with drops of moisture.

Filling a bowl with water, I carry it back carefully so I don’t spill any of the steaming water on myself. I set it on the chest of drawers next to my bed, where I already have my razor waiting. Normally I’d shave in the shower but doing this means I can take my time and get a really close shave. I strip off my clothes, kicking them to one side out of my way. I smooth a blend of coconut butter and coconut oil over my pubic mound, rubbing it into the skin. Then I smooth it over my legs, slowing stroking up from ankle to the top of my thigh, using extra oil on ‘drier’ areas like my knees. Finishing up with my underarms.

Dipping the razor into the hot water, I shake off the excess water. Sitting down and leaning back I pull the skin tight over my mound. Applying the razor to my skin in short strokes, pressing lightly. Working from the outer edge where my thighs meet my body, and then into the middle and downwards, pausing every few strokes to rinse off the blade. I let one leg fall to the side and pull the skin tight, carefully running the razor over my outer lip on that side. Switching over to do the other side before slipping the razor further down between the tops of my thighs. Letting it glide carefully without using too much pressure.

Standing up I prop one leg up on the bed, using long strokes to shave the smooth skin on my shins and calves. Running the blade in short quick strokes over my knee, making sure the skin is tight. Twisting my leg so I can shave the back as thoroughly as the front. An ex once watched this and remarked that the positions I twisted myself into were reminiscent of a ballerina. He was complimenting me (and possibly marvelling at my flexibility) but in my head I always pictured the hippo in a tutu from the Pota Mousse adverts. I am not graceful.

Underarms are last. My arm stretched high, elbow bending over and behind my head. I lean forward slightly, the weight of my hanging breasts helping to pull the skin tight. And I use fast short strokes, zipping over both arms quickly. Then it’s back to the bathroom for another round of the exfoliator. This time I am much more gentle; massaging rather than rubbing it in. When I rinse it off I use a good moisturising shower gel, something with a creamy base is perfect. I don’t want to get rid of the oil I’ve used but I do want to make sure all the sugar is washed away, so it doesn’t get sticky.

I pat myself dry gently, my skin is usually a bit pink looking, and feeling delicate, so rubbing is not a good idea. Back in my bedroom I sweep a skin renewal serum over my body. Then it’s time for the body butter, I use a really good one with a shea butter base, that is almost solid in the tub. This sort of product is really rich, and great for spreading over your body, it really goes a long way. I take my time massaging the body butter all over; working it from my ankles to the tops of my thighs, over my cunt, around my arse and hips, then onto my arms starting at the wrists and smoothing up to my shoulders, under my arms, then down over my chest to my waist.

By the time I am finished I am smooth, moisturised and when I stroke my skin it feels like silk. I love doing this level of pampering care when I have fresh bedding on. There is something really decadent feeling about slipping between clean sheets and feeling them skimming over your legs.

The only thing that feels better is someone’s tongue and mouth appreciating the job you’ve done.

 

 

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People Pleaser – A Personal Post for Wicked Wednesday

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 31st post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, People Pleaser. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

people pleaserDo you do sexual things in your relationship just for your partner that you don’t like doing? Are you always the one trying to keep your friends or family happy? Are you a people-pleaser? Come share your stories – sexy or not!

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People Pleaser

I was going to write an erotic piece about submission, and wanting to please a dom but in the end I realised I had something else I needed to say.

I’m a people pleaser. I will bend over backwards to make the other people around me happy, especially if they’re having a bad time. I will spend money I can’t afford to get them a gift that I hope will make them smile. I will take time to visit them, even if it is a distance away. I will do what I can to please them.

This need-to-please extends to other areas too. This isn’t always the best thing. I put up with a lot from my ‘family’ after I lost my dad; I had to sort out everything, look after everyone else. No -one was looking after me. This lasted for about a year after, then I tried to kill myself. I’d timed it all so I would have at least 24 hours but my boyfriend had forgotten his phone, came back and found me. None of my ‘family’ visited me in the hospital, or afterwards when I was home.

I had to see a psychiatrist for the next 18 months. It was there that I learnt it isn’t my responsibility to please other people. It’s not up to me to make someone else happy. The person I need to please is me. We talked a lot about how certain people in my lives were emotional takers, and it was not just okay but necessary to remove them from my life. So I did. And my life is definitely better for not having the step-monsters in it.

There are areas I am working on, where I am still a people pleaser. I will still go the extra mile for someone, then later see how little it was appreciated, and beat myself up for it. I’ve also been known to do thing I didn’t really want to do in the bedroom because things have gotten to a point where I want to stop but I know what is happening is making the other person happy, so I don’t say anything. In the past I have done things like given someone a hand/blow job because I didn’t want to have sex but wanted to please them. Yes, really.

I also think part of me being a people pleaser is because of some emotionally questionable relationships in my far past. I had a few relationships that have been categorised as abusive but that I don’t feel comfortable calling that. Yes, things happened I wasn’t on-board with but I was never beaten, I could say no. That didn’t always mean my no meant anything but I could, which meant I learnt the lesson that sometimes you just go with it because it will be over quicker. Do something for them to get it done. No, it’s not healthy but it was a lesson I learnt. One I am still working on unlearning.

I am still a people pleaser.

 

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Friend – A Wicked Wednesday Personal Post on Friendship

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 30th post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Friend. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

friend

This prompt is another suggestion of the lovely Charlie Powell of Sex Blog of Sorts: Friend.

Do you have a special friend? One, more? How did you become friends? How do you classify friendship? Did you have friendships that ended? Why? How did the end of the friendship affect you? Or maybe you have a friend with benefits? Tell us more about that?

Come on, share your sexy stories, whether fiction or fact!

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Friend

This is a tough one. I have friends, I have friends with benefits, and I have acquaintances. I also have friends I no longer speak to.

The oldest friend I have is someone I met when I was around 24ish. We met online via a chat forum for Lush Cosmetics. I consider her one of my best friends, she knows all about this site and what I do. She knows who I am, and she still loves me for me. I have another really good friend I met through the same forum, we used to live in the same city and went to the cinema together. Now we live at opposite sides of the country, and don’t get to see each other very often. I went to her wedding last year, and am hoping to see her next time I’m in her city.

There was a person I thought of as my best friend who I had known since I was a kid but we fell out about five years ago. This was way before I started sex blogging but I realised she was embarrassed by me, by things I would do. Even though she told me she cared about me and that we were friends I slowly came to understand that true friends accept you for who you are, they’re not embarrassed by you, and if they are then maybe the friendship isn’t right. What was a friendship I cherished had become toxic, had turned into something that just worked to make me feel bad about myself. It took a long time for me to finally acknowledge that friendship for what it was and walk away.

I have a few friends who were acquaintances but who managed to build enough trust to become friends. I do tend to trust quite easily but have been burned a few times, and each time that happens it makes me more cautious next time. Unfortunately, this tends to impact people who don’t deserve to be mistrusted, people who wouldn’t lie to get what they want. My friend with benefits is one of those people; we transitioned from acquaintances to friends, and then there was a lot of discussion and negotiation before we added the ‘benefits’. I was so afraid of spoiling the friendship, and of getting hurt that he had to be really patient with me……and he was.

It’s nice when we find friends who are actually friends, the people who value our connection and want to keep that. It makes up for the ones who are only interested in what they can get out of it. I want to trust people more and the good ones restore my faith in people but the bad ones make me doubt myself. Make me doubt my instincts.  Sometimes my instincts are telling me one thing but instead of listening to them, I allow myself to be swayed and I let bad things run longer than I should. There are ‘relationships’ where I know I should have walked away months before I did but I wanted to believe in the person so I kept letting things go, I kept accepting their behaviour. I should not have done that I deserve better, and I will fight to have it.

 

 

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Puzzle Pieces – Wicked Wednesday Personal Post

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 29th post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Puzzle Pieces. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

Puzzle pieces

Life is like a bunch of puzzle pieces that we are constantly trying to fit together to make the perfect puzzle.

Come share your sexy stories…

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Puzzle Pieces

I’ve suffered from clinical depression and anxiety since I was 15.  My first incident only really lasted a few weeks, I didn’t need medication, just had some time off school to help me ‘get better’. My next episode was when I was 26, it was a pretty bad one.  It was mostly caused by a highly stressful job where nothing you did was appreciated and the HR department were constantly changing the rules on hours, and trying to move you around teams and departments. I ended up having a nervous breakdown. My GP signed me off, prescribed me some medication, and sent me to see a counsellor.  The time between those episodes (15-26 years) I felt like I developed as a person; I knew who I was, my character, what I liked, etc. The depression and anxiety stole those things from me, it turned me into a person I didn’t recognize.

I felt like I had all these pieces of my personality but I didn’t know how they fit together any more. Quite often they didn’t feel like they did. They were random dots of me but spread out all over, like puzzle pieces scattered over a table. But before I could fix myself I needed to find the corners, to “look for the blue bits” (quote from Man Up film). Each time I thought I’d found one something would happen and it would drift away. Then a few months ago things came to a head in an unexpected way. Something I thought was good turned out to actually be toxic, after I got over the shock I found out a few new things about myself. And in finding those things I found the corners, I pieced together the edges. The puzzle pieces started slotting into place.

I found my way back to my spiritual beliefs. When my depression and anxiety got really bad I lost my way, drifted away from the path. Even though when asked I would still say I followed an earth based religion I’d stopped practising. I’d packed most of my stuff away, sold all my books. And now I’m coming out of the depression again, I feel more like the old me, the me I was when I was early 20s full of curiosity, and confidence, I knew who I was and what I believed. I’m starting to feel like that again.

Funnily enough as that feeling started returning I found the box with all my things in. I got out my tarot cards, rune stones, and altar totems, and they felt comfortable in my hands. Around the same time a few people came into my life who were also ‘involved’ in Earth based religions. It’s strange how the universe moves things together. 🙂
I’m feeling so good at the moment. I’m down to smallest dose of my antidepressants once every three days, hopefully should be off them completely soon. It’s taken a long time but I feel like I’m finally crawling out of a deep dark hole. I know I’ll still have bad days, and maybe in the future the black dog will come back but right now I feel like I’m ‘winning the battle’. ☺

 

 

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