Since the ‘communication‘ topic for Wicked Wednesday the other week I have been thinking a lot about communication……….and miscommunication. It’s so easy in today’s society to miscommunicate. A text or email doesn’t convey tone or emotion in the same way a voice does, no matter how many emoticons you use.
I often seem to find myself in situations that have me on edge because of either a complete lack of contact or there being contact that was limited and left me paranoid, second guessing everything that was said. I find it so hard to tell people what I’m thinking when it really matters because I am so scared of losing them, whether it’s a friend, ‘family’ or a guy I like. I really struggle to say what I’m thinking, the things in my head that I worry are paranoid, or crazy, that I think don’t really make sense. That’s not to say they’re not what I’m feeling just that there’s no rationale behind my thinking/feeling them.
Why is it so hard sometimes to tell someone how you’re feeling? To say “I like you”, “I want to tear all your clothes off”, “I love you”, “It hurts me when you do xx”, or “We’ve grown apart”. We try so hard to protect ourselves, we build these walls that make it impossible to communicate, so instead we keep silent and things get confusing. And eventually the things we don’t say become so loud they block out everything else, things just fall apart. All because we were scared to say the things we needed to say.
I try to be honest about my feelings, even when saying it is embarrassing because no matter how hard it is the fallout from not saying it is harder. Not long ago I cut someone out of my life. We had been friends for years (since middle school) and it was hard to do but it needed to be done. We’d grown apart and stopped communicating, she would phone me up and talk at me for an hour about how much she hated her job, and how stressful planning a wedding was but when i tried to talk about me she’d ‘have to go’ and hang up. I’d stopped answering her calls because the idea of listening to her filled me with dread. In the end I told her I was done. She said but we’ve been friends forever, I told her we were very different people to who we’d been when we met as ten-year-olds. If she knew about this blog and the photos I share she would be completely horrified, she used to make jokes about me being a geek, that hurt me a lot. Maybe if we’d communicated more openly it wouldn’t have been necessary for me to remove her from my life. Although if I’m really honest I don’t miss her. I have better friends in my life, ones who do care how I am doing. Who ask if I’m ok and actually listen when I answer. People who I listen to when they need to vent. People who matter.