Feeling Fat

The idea behind starting this blog (and the twitter account) was for me to explore my sexuality, to build my confidence and to find out who I am now. And while I am definitely getting more confident in sharing pictures of myself naked there is still a long way to go. Maybe it’s because sharing the photos online I sill have some level of anonymity.

I remember the absolute crushing fear and nerves before I shared not just my first naked picture (which only showed my breasts) but before I shared the header for this blog, which doesn’t really show anything at all. I don’t feel that same nerves or pressure when I share photos any more but I wouldn’t say I am more confident than I was.

In fact if anything at the moment I am ‘blah’; I feel fat, unattractive, not particularly sexy. I am really struggling to understand what people are seeing when they look at my photos and tell me I look great, that I’m sexy, amazing body, beautiful, etc. because I don’t feel any of those things. Possibly I am just feeling crappy because I have gained weight, my fitness levels have dropped, I’m running out of clothes that fit and are comfortable to wear.

Part of me is also worried that really the comments are just to do with it being a picture of a naked woman with exceptionally large tits. But there are lots of photos of naked women out there, so if someone is taking time to comment on the picture they must mean what they’re saying. Also worry that maybe I’m just sexy online and the reality will be a let down…….although have recently ‘felt the evidence’ that it’s not, which was a nice compliment. *blush*

When I am going to the gym I feel sexy, and strong, and healthy, and happy. That’s not necessarily about my weight it’s about feeling control over that part of me, feeling like I could take on the world. Doing something that could extend my life expectancy. Creating confidence in who I am and control over my body. I love the feeling I get from a good workout at the gym, a feeling I don’t get anywhere else. Although going to the gym does tend to ‘rev my engine’ too, which can be fun. 🙂

I started this post feeling meh but am finishing it on a high, very soon I will be moving and starting uni, and when I have moved I will be joining the gym attached to my uni campus. It’s only £150 for 12 months for students, and that is for use of the gym, fitness suite (where all the classes, etc are), pool, etc. I cannot wait to get exercising again. Going for a walk just doesn’t do it for me, I need a solid workout. 🙂

5 thoughts on “Feeling Fat

  1. It’s great how you have started this post at low point, but ended high. We all need to learn to like and love ourselves first, before others can do that, right?

    I wish I could have a gym nearby, such as at my work where I can go to after work. If I have to drive first to get to the gym, I know I will drive straight home. So for me, I have to go for walks. Once the ankle is healed again of course.

    Rebel xox

    • I already walk quite a lot, one of the bonuses of not having a car. So it doesn’t really have any impact on my fitness levels. I need the gym, I have missed having access to one way more than I expected to which is why I am so excited about joining the uni one. 🙂 xx

  2. Can I tell you what I see?

    1. It is a beautiful picture.
    2. It is a beautiful naked picture.
    3. You have lovely boobs (and for a girl, I have an almost bloke like appreciation of such things).

    I’m a size 10/12, nothing particularly special to look at facially, with a fairly decent pair of breasts and a reasonably shapely arse. Despite this, there are days when I feel fat, ugly, unattractive, definitely unsexy. I think we girls are almost conditioned into it. It doesn’t matter how many times the guys and girls I’ve been with, who have seen me naked tell me I’m beautiful/hot/sexy/etc., there is still apart of me that is saying: “fuck off, you’re just saying that (to get me into bed)”. Even when hubby, who has seen me naked every day for 6 years, who lavishes compliments on me that should make me feel special, tells me how much he loves me and my body, there is still a part of me that shrugs this off.

    I don’t even feel particularly bad about my body most of the time, and as someone who actually used to do a bit of stripping in her student days to suppliment her income, it’s not as if I’m averse to displaying it, but there are still days when none of my clothes “fit”, I hate my hair, my arse is too fat, my ankles are too skinny/chubby (yes, they have been both) and a whole myriad of other imperfections make me despair of how anyone could ever fancy “this”.

    I don’t know why we women beat ourselves up like this, but it’s so fucking annoying. I know hubby loves me, lumps, bumps (especially the bumps), crow’s feet, spots and all, but there are always days when I can’t understand why. It seems that guys love us because of our flaws and imperfections, not despite them.

    Anyway, huge amounts of respect for having the courage to share.

    Love, hugs, kisses and licks,

    Katie xx

    • Thank you for the lovely things you said and your huge comment. Agree that we are almost conditioned to dislike bits of ourselves. I have the greatest respect for the women who can look in a mirror and be happy with what they see. I never look and think “I look good”, the best I manage is “It’ll do”. Which is more than a bit worrying, really.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting. 🙂 xx

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