The idea behind starting this blog (and the twitter account) was for me to explore my sexuality, to build my confidence and to find out who I am now. And while I am definitely getting more confident in sharing pictures of myself naked there is still a long way to go. Maybe it’s because sharing the photos online I sill have some level of anonymity.
I remember the absolute crushing fear and nerves before I shared not just my first naked picture (which only showed my breasts) but before I shared the header for this blog, which doesn’t really show anything at all. I don’t feel that same nerves or pressure when I share photos any more but I wouldn’t say I am more confident than I was.
In fact if anything at the moment I am ‘blah’; I feel fat, unattractive, not particularly sexy. I am really struggling to understand what people are seeing when they look at my photos and tell me I look great, that I’m sexy, amazing body, beautiful, etc. because I don’t feel any of those things. Possibly I am just feeling crappy because I have gained weight, my fitness levels have dropped, I’m running out of clothes that fit and are comfortable to wear.
Part of me is also worried that really the comments are just to do with it being a picture of a naked woman with exceptionally large tits. But there are lots of photos of naked women out there, so if someone is taking time to comment on the picture they must mean what they’re saying. Also worry that maybe I’m just sexy online and the reality will be a let down…….although have recently ‘felt the evidence’ that it’s not, which was a nice compliment. *blush*
When I am going to the gym I feel sexy, and strong, and healthy, and happy. That’s not necessarily about my weight it’s about feeling control over that part of me, feeling like I could take on the world. Doing something that could extend my life expectancy. Creating confidence in who I am and control over my body. I love the feeling I get from a good workout at the gym, a feeling I don’t get anywhere else. Although going to the gym does tend to ‘rev my engine’ too, which can be fun. 🙂
I started this post feeling meh but am finishing it on a high, very soon I will be moving and starting uni, and when I have moved I will be joining the gym attached to my uni campus. It’s only £150 for 12 months for students, and that is for use of the gym, fitness suite (where all the classes, etc are), pool, etc. I cannot wait to get exercising again. Going for a walk just doesn’t do it for me, I need a solid workout. 🙂