Female Orgasms – Addressing Women’s Sexuality

Women’s Sexuality

This morning my attention was drawn to a tweet someone shared on twitter about female orgasms. The original post had been retweeted by MissRavenRubies with a good dose of incredulity, understandably so.  The original tweet was from a (female) self-confessed sex researcher and educator, who stated “I don’t believe women have a sex drive – that does not mean that they are not sexual. Women’s responses are primarily emotional.”  Yes, she really did say that. She also said “Cunnilingus does not cause female orgasm. Partly because a woman is not aroused with a lover. But it’s also the wrong stimulation.” So according to her we (as women) can’t orgasm from just physical stimulation (not anywhere), we have to have some sort of emotional or psychological stimulation. And we cannot orgasm from oral because that is wrong stimulations. That may be the case for some women but for others it will not be even vaguely true.

female orgasms

This woman tweeted at Chris (QuietlyKinky) “So where are these women IN THE GENERAL POPULATION who can confirm all these beliefs? Why are they so silent?”  When many female sex bloggers responded to this explaining clearly that they DID orgasm from physical stimulation, etc. She responded not by engaging, and discussing these alternate experiences but by blocking everyone who disagreed with her. Yeah, she’s very “Open ears.”

Female Orgasms

I am going to talk very specifically about myself now, about MY orgasms, MY sexuality, how I come. Just because this is how I come doesn’t mean it is how YOU will come. We are all individuals, who will like different things, and that is totally okay. I am also a CIS woman so my point-of-view will be skewed in that direction.

I used to be quite self-conscious about my orgasms. An ex once described me orgasming as being caught in an earthquake, he also told me he’d never been with someone who orgasmed like me before. What I heard was; “you’re weird in the way you come, your orgasms aren’t normal.”  This made me really anxious about it for a long time. However, I realised that not all women have the same kind of orgasms, and one women can orgasm in many different ways. I should also say I come really easily, and I mean really easily, something I find quite funny because I am such a power queen when it comes to vibrations.

My Orgasms

For me I think there are three types of female orgasms THAT I HAVE;

  • Small clit orgasms – these tend to be the ones I have when I have having a quick speed wank, and just want to….let some steam out of the pot. These usually happen from direct clit stimulation, either the sucking of my Satisfyer Pro 2, or the vibrations of my Doxy or We-Vibe touch. My clit prefers a broader stimulation when it comes to vibrations, nothing too pin point. This type of orgasm usually happens very quickly, I don’t tend to have time to fantasise, it’s a 30-90 second thing.
  • Main orgasms – For me this is a sensation that comes in waves. I literally feel it roll in and crest, and roll in and crest, and roll in and crest, and…..well you get the idea. This is the sort of orgasm that if I am having penetrative sex with an actual cock the person attached will be able to feel me contracting around them. This is the earthquake sensation my ex described. I can do this for hours, at least 10 orgasms isn’t unusual for me. I can have this type of orgasm from both internal and external stimulation. Receiving oral sex generally gives me a combination of this type of orgasm and the small clit orgasms.
  • Squirting orgasms – These are the most intense orgasm I have ever experienced. Everything suddenly becomes very sharply focussed, and then goes very very floaty. When I have this type of orgasm, I become very sensitive to touch afterwards, almost painfully so. I also get very dry, all my natural lubrication disappears for about ten minutes. Squirting usually happens after all the other types of orgasms have happened, and afterwards I need at least ten minutes to ‘come back down’.  It is the closest I’ve ever come to passing out from an orgasm. Fucking amazing.

 

Female Sexuality

On her website the “sex researcher and educator” makes this statement:

The very first time I had sex I knew that something was up. I thought I knew what I could expect to happen. But I felt absolutely zip, zero, nothing. I almost couldn’t believe it. I had already been masturbating myself to orgasm for a year by that time. The two experiences had nothing in common. But over the following months and years, intercourse continued to be non-erotic. I felt like a prostitute acting out a mechanical part: just stimulating a man until he ejaculated. I concluded the whole thing was a hoax. I wasn’t the first woman to be disappointed by the reality of sex.

There is something very sad about this paragraph. I had initially dismissed her a crazy kook, who was peddling a harmful (religiously motivated) agenda. I still think she has an agenda, and I still think her form of ‘sex education’ is harmful, not just to women who will read it . But also to the men who will read it and believe that every woman they’ve had sex with was lying because there is no way they CAN be a good lover and give a woman an orgasm. I think the real tragedy here is that this woman knew how to make her body work but was unable to communicate that need to her sexual partner, and was therefore left disappointed and wanting.

In my experience (and maybe I’ve been very lucky) once you start verbalising to your sexual partner what you want or need, they will happily do their best to please you. Yes, I have had partners that weren’t interested and didn’t care about my pleasure but they were bad partners, there wasn’t anything wrong with me.

The lovely Dawn said this:

female orgasms

This made me start to wonder about the ‘sex educator’. Reading many articles on her site, especially ones about arousal and rape makes me wonder exactly what has happened in this woman’s life that has left her feeling like this. If she truly isn’t aroused by men, could she possibly be aroused by women, or (because she mentions finding all genitalia unarousing) could she be asexual?

Conclusion

A good sex educator needs to be willing to look at experiences other than their own, to give a balanced view on sexuality and sex. This woman seems to only be addressing a heteronormative personal experience and applying it to everyone. Because she couldn’t come using a vibrator, no woman can. because she can’t come from penetrative sex no woman can. Because she can’t come from oral sex no woman can. I have to wonder what exactly she can bring to the discussion.

Ladies however you are having sex, whether you are orgasming or not, if you are enjoying it then it is totally okay. Gents (and ladies) if you are concerned your woman isn’t enjoying sex as much as you’d like her to, talk to her, communicate, find out what else you could be doing. It’s good to ask

33 thoughts on “Female Orgasms – Addressing Women’s Sexuality

  1. I do wonder why she feels so against discussion about this. Even though I couldn’t have an orgasm with guys I still enjoyed everything (mostly) about sex. Still do 😀 And I will agree that for me personally a lot of it does come from making sure who I’m with is having a good time, but that’s because it increases my level of arousal.
    I mentioned on Twitter that it does worry me about how many people, who possibly already have issues around sex, she’s damaged even more.
    The internet can be a great resource, but it can also be so dangerous. I find so many people don’t research anything. They find one place that resonates and that’s it, they won’t look anywhere else. The fact that she’s citing Kinsey’s work from 1953 is worrying, there’s been so much more recent research but it seems that she has her view and that’s it. In a way I do feel for her, but it still doesn’t justify her behaviour.

  2. Facinating post, have no idea what axe this lady has to grind, but she definitely has one. Every woman is different, no one experience fits all. Let her ignore comment and the more open minded talk to one another.

  3. I’m afraid I can’t find any pity or feel sorry for her, if indeed it is a her behind the glossy website.

    This is one of oh so many problematic(I cannot articulate adequately without getting angry so I’m going with problematic as a descriptor) quotes from that website

    “It is really quite disturbing that young women today are so unaware of the facts about male sex drive. Every man knows that past a certain point it is difficult for a man to hold back on his instinct to follow through on his sex drive. This is why women who ‘lead a man on’ may find it difficult to convict a man of rape and, in the UK, rape within marriage has only been a crime since 1991.”

    Way to shame victims of rape where the defense was ‘she lead him on’…way to excuse it.

    I cannot feel sorry for anyone who holds that view.

    It makes it difficult for me to address anything else *she* says after that, there is so much dangerous information cited as fact on that site. It’s deeply concerning that it’s there at all.

    Flip x

    • I agree completely. It is one of the reasons I just skimmed the surface covering only the main things she said on Twitter. I had to stop reading her website because it was making me steam.

      There are so many problematic things she says on her website that are basically victim blaming, and/or justifying abuse.

      It really worries me that people will read her site and think she is right. 😞.

      Thank you for commenting. xx

  4. Just to toss in my two cents…
    I’ve never had an orgasm from oral sex and it’s not because the guys were bad at it – hell, I had a bonafide “oh, he’ll make you come from oral” recommendation – didn’t happen. It’s completely me, the way I work, I tend to get bored.

    If I haven’t had sex regularly with a guy, then I have a harder time getting to climax when I’m having sex again. However, it’s the learning phase. Learning what pleases each other, what positions and angles work.

    With a toy, I can come again and again and again. Then I start all over some days. It’s a blast.

    I feel truly sorry for this ‘sex researcher’.

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  6. This so called sex educator has some major issues! I am thrilled you took the time and got screen shots and did this post. I reposted and questioned many of her tweets yesterday without a single comment from her. Even checked out her blog and noted her only claim to fame is being a published author along with her being on the internet for 10 years speaking on the subject.

    Given how quickly she blocks anyone who does not agree with her outdated views on female sexuality, I don’t get how she could have sold many books. Much less continue to claim she enjoys open discussions on the topic. She appears to prefers one sided topics and put downs anyone else.

    Thank you again! I have a very healthy sex drive and believe me contrary to her claims have multiple orgasms when my Master goes down on me.

    • Thanks for your comment.

      I’m only concerned that people will read her site and believe the crap she is pedalling. It’s dangerous on so many levels. 🙁

  7. Wow, great post!

    I checked out the “sexpert’s” twitter profile and said “Hmmmm, 63K followers, and barely any RT’s??” Odd. Very odd, not to mention suspicious. I will say no more. *cough cough** I think she bought her followers **cough cough**

    It infuriates me that this person calls herself a “sex researcher and educator”. The information she offers is dangerous, especially the victim shaming aspect, and I’m terrified for the uneducated woman who stumbles across her site and takes her words seriously.

    Fantastic job uncovering this scam artist, HGG!

    • She also follows almost as many people herself. And very few likes or retweets anywhere.

      It really does worry me that she is portraying herself as a sex educator, there is no education in what she is ‘selling’. 🙁

      Thanks. xox

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  13. “In my experience (and maybe I’ve been very lucky) once you start verbalising to your sexual partner what you want or need, they will happily do their best to please you.” This is PRECISELY true.

    Speaking as a man who perhaps shouldn’t be commenting here (but I’m going to anyway) , there’s one essential lesson that all women need to learn. WE MEN CANNOT READ YOUR MINDS. I know, many women seem to be able to read MY mind – not that they’d want to, usually – but I’ve never been able to read my wife’s mind. This came to a head when we’d been married for about 4 years (we’re now at the 40-year mark) and she complained in frustration during lovemaking that I wasn’t doing what she wanted. I responded that she had never TOLD me what she wanted – and she replied that I should “just know!” without being explicitly told.

    Her desires vary from day to day, sometimes from moment to moment, but without her communicating her desires to me, I sometimes have to guess what it is that she wants. We got past that hurdle, and our verbal and non-verbal communication has improved. (It still isn’t perfect, and I _STILL_ cannot read her mind. But we are still happily together, so I’m clearly not hopeless in this regard.)

    “In my experience (and maybe I’ve been very lucky) once you start verbalising to your sexual partner what you want or need, they will happily do their best to please you.” I don’t think it’s a matter of “luck”. We men are simple creatures; we generally DO want to please you, if only we knew how. Many women seem unable or unwilling to give their lovers adequate direction, so her frustrations aren’t entirely our faults.

    Women who fake their orgasms have only themselves to blame when, the NEXT time, their partners don’t seem responsive to their needs. She had an orgasm! That’s the DEFINITION of success to a man! She liked what we did! We’ll do it JUST LIKE THAT next time, because we want to please her and make her happy. Faking an orgasm is to inappropriate rewards to her partner, like praising the puppy that poops on the floor.

    • Hi,

      Thank you for commenting. I welcome all commenters, as long as they are polite and adding to the discussion, I don’t care if they are male, female, gender queer, etc. Everyone is welcome.

      I agree communication is very important from BOTH participants. BUt it is hard when one person is communicating but the other isn’t hearing what is being said. You explain what you need, and they just continue doing what they were doing before.

      I agree with a lot of what you are saying however, the tone you use occasionally is slightly blaming. There can be times when the only option left is to fake it because you are getting sore and the guy won’t stop until you come because he is conditioned to think an orgasm is the only indication that sex was good and has finished. You can enjoy sex and NOT have an orgasm.

      I do understand what you are saying, and I appreciate your comment. Thank you. 🙂 x

      • “There can be times when the only option left is to fake it because you are getting sore and the guy won’t stop until you come because he is conditioned to think an orgasm is the only indication that sex was good and has finished.”

        I’m right there with you – BUT … You ALWAYS have the option to say “Stop!” I’ve been somewhat puzzled recently with the “No Means NO!” slogans, because this has ALWAYS been true, hasn’t it? I’m on the wrong side of 65, and that has ALWAYS been the rule. When my wife says “Enough!”, we’re done. (Well, done with intercourse, certainly, although other options may sometimes remain open.) But you’re right; before our communication improved to the point that she was telling me what she actually wanted instead of what she thought I wanted, this was occasionally a problem.

        “You can enjoy sex and NOT have an orgasm.” As a man, I needed to be TOLD that by my partner, because (especially when I was young and horny a half-century ago) for most men, stopping shy of orgasm can be very frustrating. It still is. I was not (way back then) aware that this is one of the many differences between men and women.

        I don’t mean to be “blaming”, but in every failure of communications, both people are always at least partly responsible. If you’re saying one thing and he isn’t hearing you, make him stop and listen until he understands what you’re saying. He may be frustrated in the moment, but a partner who’s worth being with another time will appreciate the feedback. And if he’s not worth being with again, then perhaps he isn’t worth your time right now.

        • I love that to you no means no, and stop means stop but it isn’t always the case. In some situations guys just see it as a challenge, in others it’s a starting point for negotiations.

          I really understand where you are coming from but it isn’t always that simple to make someone stop and listen…..and it’s not always easy to walk away. 🙁

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  17. An interesting topic and discussion. But hopefully – surely – the poor experience and abilities of this “sex educator” aren’t common; otherwise very sad. They sound more like many a Victorian male might have assumed, and written to further their oppression and control of their women folk.

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