The lovely Charlie over at SexBlog(ofSorts) had a fabulous idea for a competition using nail polish names as inspiration for writing a blog post, the idea being that you swap nail polish with someone and use the name of the colour to inspire a piece of erotica/a blog post/–a short story in another genre.
I had decided not to join this at first because I was busy writing submissions for Bawdyblokes submission challenge and just didn’t think I would manage to get it done, and by the time I realised I was going to fail the Submission Challenge and called it a day (with just 4/10 submissions entered) it was too late. Until Charlie decided to change the rules (yay), meaning all I had to do was drop her a quick message and she sent me a polish name from her own collection. I got Innocent, and this was the result…..
When I tell people I’m sweet and innocent, I tend to get an eye-roll followed by “yeah, sure you are”. People never believe I am innocent, not sure what vibe I am giving off but apparently I just cannot pull off innocent. And yet if you’ve read this blog you’ll know that while I have a wickedly dirty mind, I would say I am inexperienced. It’s not like I’ve never had sex but my experience is…….limited, I guess. I’ve not had loads of partners or tried lots of ‘kinky stuff’, doesn’t mean I don’t want to, just that I haven’t so far. So I guess it’s true, I’m not innocent in that sense, or any sense I guess.
When I think of a loss of innocence I don’t just think of it in sexual terms I also think of beliefs and truth. I think believing in something ‘fantastical’; fairies, elves, Santa, the Easter Bunny requires a certain amount of innocence. And for me that list now includes true love, I know not all men are the same but it’s hard to truly believe that somewhere out there is a guy who’s not going to lie to me, or just want me for secret sex, or treat me like shit, or turn out to be a cheat. A guy who will love me as much as I love him, who when I’m in the depths of depression will hold me tight and tell me it’ll be ok, who will understand when I can’t leave the house or even get out of bed, who will have my back no matter what. The trouble is that seems to be a lot to ask, and I’m starting to think that like Santa, that guy just doesn’t exist.
So what do I do? Do I just focus on just having sexy fun with as many guys I fancy as possible? Do I try to find a friend with benefits? Or how about a fuck buddy? I want to be one of those girls who can just have sex, who can just enjoy it for what it is without getting emotional, without wanting there to be more. I want to feel satisfied…..but I also want a guy who cares how I am, who wants to look out for me, who’ll go out of his way to make me smile.