Looking for Love

I don’t tend to make New Year Resolutions, I find that for me they just lead to failure. I always have various goals I am working towards anyway. One of the things I was thinking about was my hopes for 2015, I was planning a blog post around it but this one thing I kept coming back to felt like it deserved a post all of its own.

‘Cause love only comes
Once in a while
And knocks on your door
And throws you a smile
And takes every breath,
Leaves every scar,
Speaks through your soul
And sings to your heart

If I Knew Then – Lady Antebellum

My biggest hope for 2015 is to find love, the kind that’s forever and real – I’ve had it before so I know it exists. This last decade has been a bit horrendous; guy after guy who treated me as if I was something shameful, a secret to be kept hidden, good enough to fuck behind closed doors but not to be seen withΒ in public. With one or two guys you can say it’s them, but after so many you have to start to wonder if you’re not the problem. And so I started to believe that’s all I deserved, that I wasn’t good enough to have love like other people get, I wasn’t smart enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough. Whatever it was that meant a guy would love you, I didn’t have it and therefore I couldn’t be loved. I still kind of think that.

I want a guy who wants me, who will make me a priority, who will have my back, who will not only return my messages but message me without me having to text first. A guy who isn’t just looking for sex. Who isn’t going to lie to me, or tell me what I want to hear disguised as the truth. I’ve seen honest faces before, and they usually come attached to liars. If you’re just looking for someone to fuck please move on, I’m not your girl. I’m an all or nothing sort of girl, no matter what the situation I am going to care about you, and every unanswered message, unreturned call, or last-minute change of plans cuts straight toΒ my heart. And it can only take so many cuts before it breaks.

I want a relationship, not saying it has to be exclusive, but your heart has to be mine, and mine alone. Like mine would be yours. You have to be willing to be there for me, because I would be there for you. You need to be willing to risk your heart, because I’m risking mine. I’m willing to put everything into it, so you should too.

Ok, admittedly, part of me is going “OMG I need to have some decent sex this year.” But for the most part I’m not looking for someone just to fuck. In all honesty I kinda feel if that’s all I wanted I’d be pretty well set, in fact judging by my twitter there would be a queue. But I’m not interested; I’ve been to the carnival, ridden the ride, and got the shirt. Contrary to popular belief I’m not just great tits and a cunt, there’s a person with feelings attached. I am done with being that girl. So if you just fancy a fuck, do me a favour; step back, get out of the queue and leave me be.

I’m looking for a guy who actually deserves me.

 

*Disclaimer – None of this is said with any one in particular in mind so if you know you chat to me and think I mean you maybe it’s your own guilty conscience. Β 

20 thoughts on “Looking for Love

  1. 2015 is time to take a stand and stop wasting time and emotions on guys that just aren’t worth it.
    I understand exactly how you feel but at the moment I am in two minds about what I want, half of me wants love and a relationship and the other half just wants fun and sex.
    I’m glad you have decided exactly what you want and don’t you dare settle for anything less! X

  2. I wish you every success in 2015, although I don’t follow you I see a good and worthy person.
    Good luck in your quest for love, don’t stop until you get what you deserve. (And you do deserve all you wrote above) xx

  3. Oh my gosh. I fell apart reading this. I’m still crying. After another gut-wrenching breakup, I’m very much where you are right now and I empathised with every word you just said. I’m so sick of bumping from guy to guy, thinking it’s all my fault because there’s no other logical explanation.
    They say you’ll find it when you stop looking… The question is – do you ever really stop looking??
    Can’t wait to read about you finding Mr. Right. He’s gonna be a lucky guy!!
    xoxo

    • Going by all the responses I’ve gotten I feel like maybe I’m chasing something that doesn’t exist. Even the guys you think are good ones seem to turn out to be bastards.
      I don’t think we ever stop looking, even when we say we have. πŸ™
      *sending you a big hug* xxxx

  4. I think that, despite all the blustering and laissez-faire attitude towards attracting members of whichever-sex-you-are-attracted to among our generation, including (but not limited to) the current wave of sex bloggers (and the sex blogosphere in general), that a decent, warts-and-all, heart-and-soul relationship genuinely is what a lot of people would like… or are looking for… or have.

    Personally, I’m with you insofar as, for a girl blogger, it should be easy for you to find sex – in fact, for a girl blogger who puts pictures of her tits on the Internet, it should be very easy. Put an ad on Craigslist, and there you go – you get your pick. Or choose someone from the braying hounds on Twitter. As Charlie says above, though, there’s no guarantee it’ll be good sex (although sex is, in many ways, what you make it)… it’s just that that isn’t what you are looking for!

    Which is fair enough. You’ve been very forthright about what you are looking for – you’ve just been unlucky. I was in this situation for years myself, before I started writing my blog, and even then I was in a worse situation, as nobody wanted to fuck me either! It was only after I found a way to fully express myself, lay myself bare online with an admittedly bizarre set of sexual interests and a slightly lame attempt at humour that I started to find myself attractive. You’ve made that start. It’ll just take time.

    I think one of the most difficult bits is to know where to look to find someone. People say things like “go to a bar” or “join a community” or “ask someone from work” or “join a dating site”, but it’s not as easy as that makes it out to be. I’ve personally always found it terrifying to tell anyone I think they’re attractive, never mind asking anyone out!

    Not that this makes a difference, but I understand how you feel and the attached frustration and repetition it may lead to. But for what it’s worth, from what I’ve read on here and the chatting with you I’ve done on Twitter, I do think you’d be a fantastic girlfriend. And when you are, it will be glorious.

    And you’re a geek. That’s hot.

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  6. Seems the idea of who it is that will take you is not from looking for.. but not letting them into a place that has your hope and faith to share. Let me assure you the place you speak of.. is the one place in the heart that frightens many .. men also have this fright of settling down as all get out not wanting broken heart after broken heart. Its rough thing to allow someone in there to see you in the worst of ways to the best of ways. And as for those steps of your own life.. going out and looking for a companion to deal with.. brings out a defensive mode to keep or willing to do anything to hold onto. This also is hard to deal with.
    The line is endless of the ones you have met with each one wanting to get something they never could have and in this it came out clearly that I certainly you dont want to be one sugar Momma easing a mans life by bringing them out of a mess they are in.. or teaching them the arts of sex… no need for that either.
    Dont let the heart struggle.. Keep in mind always.. “You have to love you first” before you can be happy and actually see the guy that merits your heart for a lifetime.
    Keep the mind and heart where you can feel it and never letting the eyes guide you cause the fun begins after.
    Just my own thoughts.

  7. Be yourself. Go for it. Grab life with both hands and shake it, sift the diamonds from the shit.

    Don’t settle for second best, or allow yourself to be second best, or anyone’s second choice, you are worth far more than that.

    KW xxx

  8. I wish for you to find the happiness you want, but like Kilted_Wookie said: be yourself. Don’t look too hard for the love, as you might not recognize it. Just let it happen to you πŸ™‚

    Rebel xox

    • I’ve tried that approach it didn’t work either, think I am screwed either way.

      Trouble is I trust and am open to the possibility which just means I get stomped on and hurt a lot.

      But I’ll do my best. xx

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