I don’t tend to make New Year Resolutions, I find that for me they just lead to failure. I always have various goals I am working towards anyway. One of the things I was thinking about was my hopes for 2015, I was planning a blog post around it but this one thing I kept coming back to felt like it deserved a post all of its own.
‘Cause love only comes
Once in a while
And knocks on your door
And throws you a smile
And takes every breath,
Leaves every scar,
Speaks through your soul
And sings to your heart
If I Knew Then – Lady Antebellum
My biggest hope for 2015 is to find love, the kind that’s forever and real – I’ve had it before so I know it exists. This last decade has been a bit horrendous; guy after guy who treated me as if I was something shameful, a secret to be kept hidden, good enough to fuck behind closed doors but not to be seen with in public. With one or two guys you can say it’s them, but after so many you have to start to wonder if you’re not the problem. And so I started to believe that’s all I deserved, that I wasn’t good enough to have love like other people get, I wasn’t smart enough, or pretty enough, or sexy enough, or funny enough, or whatever enough. Whatever it was that meant a guy would love you, I didn’t have it and therefore I couldn’t be loved. I still kind of think that.
I want a guy who wants me, who will make me a priority, who will have my back, who will not only return my messages but message me without me having to text first. A guy who isn’t just looking for sex. Who isn’t going to lie to me, or tell me what I want to hear disguised as the truth. I’ve seen honest faces before, and they usually come attached to liars. If you’re just looking for someone to fuck please move on, I’m not your girl. I’m an all or nothing sort of girl, no matter what the situation I am going to care about you, and every unanswered message, unreturned call, or last-minute change of plans cuts straight to my heart. And it can only take so many cuts before it breaks.
I want a relationship, not saying it has to be exclusive, but your heart has to be mine, and mine alone. Like mine would be yours. You have to be willing to be there for me, because I would be there for you. You need to be willing to risk your heart, because I’m risking mine. I’m willing to put everything into it, so you should too.
Ok, admittedly, part of me is going “OMG I need to have some decent sex this year.” But for the most part I’m not looking for someone just to fuck. In all honesty I kinda feel if that’s all I wanted I’d be pretty well set, in fact judging by my twitter there would be a queue. But I’m not interested; I’ve been to the carnival, ridden the ride, and got the shirt. Contrary to popular belief I’m not just great tits and a cunt, there’s a person with feelings attached. I am done with being that girl. So if you just fancy a fuck, do me a favour; step back, get out of the queue and leave me be.
I’m looking for a guy who actually deserves me.