When it comes to matter of sex and sexual experience I sometimes, for my age (early 30s), feel kind of……I guess naive. And pretty vanilla, especially when compared to the people who write the blogs I love. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’m a nun or anything, it’s just that I think my history is very limited, and even though I feel like I should be settling down, I kind of want to go wild and try all the things that I was always taught ‘good girls’ don’t do.
My history with guys is pretty boring really; lost my virginity when I was 18 to a guy I truly loved, we had been dating for six months, and it just felt like the right time. We never got round to trying anything ‘out-of-the-norm’ (not even any exciting sex positions – him on top, me on top, oral, hand jobs were about it) unless you count sex in his dad’s car. When he died in an accident it broke my heart, and my next few ‘encounters’ were what I like to think of as extended one night stands. They were a bit like having a living breathing vibrator on call. I got oral sex, sex and human contact. They, very occasionally, stayed the night but mostly I kicked them out as soon as we were done, there wasn’t much space for experimenting; I was 21 and fairly shy about asking for what I wanted. Then I met the first in a series of guys who were lovely to start and as soon as they had me turned into mentally and emotionally abusive arseholes. That first guy picked at my confidence and self-worth so skill-fully that I truly believed that everything he told me was true, even after I managed to get rid of him, the damage had been done and his abuse paved the way for the next few guys who came along. In regards to sex they made me feel that nothing I ever did was right, if I initiated, that was wrong, if I didn’t touch them that was wrong, etc. It’s no wonder I now have no confidence when it comes to sex.
I should point out I am very fortunate that I have never suffered physical abuse, occasional sex that was rougher than expected or where the guy was more controlling than I would now put up with happened though, this was with the abusive boyfriends and it has taken me a long time to realise that those things were not because I was doing things wrong or because I wasn’t any good. I still struggle with these issues in regards to giving blow jobs; I love going down on a guy and that feeling of power and control when I can see he is enjoying and responding to what I am doing, but I don’t like a guy to come in my mouth, and if he moves unexpectedly and catches the back of my throat I am likely (this has happened) to gag, and suffer a panic attack. It is something I started working on with the last guy I was seeing, and I felt like I was getting better, and was regaining some of my confidence……right up until I found out he was living with someone, and had been with her for 10+ years. Turns out he cheats on her on a regular basis, and I was just the latest in a long line of girls he duped.
I guess what I need in my life now is a fuck buddy, someone who I can feel safe with and who I can explore my sexuality with , and most of all someone I can have fun with.
I will leave it there for now. If you’d like to know more about anything I’ve mentioned here, or anything about me, please leave questions in the the comments section and I will build any questions into another post.