It’s been a while since I wrote this type of personal article. Online dating began in the 90’s, but it has blossomed in the last ten years with a variety of sites becoming available. I’ve tried it……on multiple occasions. Every so often I re-activate my accounts on dating sites, and see how things go. This has given me a store of tales in my library, so when I got chatting to Jay, who in 1999 founded SwingTowns, the Leading Open, Poly, Kink and Swingers Dating Social Network. I thought it was the perfect time to tell some of those stories I have been saving.
Usually when I chat to someone from a dating site I have to explain the whole non-monogamous, bisexual thing. It often surprises me how often people actually ask me what I mean. For me they are mainstream terms, and reasonably self-explanatory so it confuses me when people ask me to explain them. The conversation generally goes downhill from there. I used to have it on my profile but it caused more issues than it solved. It was much easier to chat to someone, and once I was comfortable enough to arrange a meet up mention it. The reactions vary quite a bit from the guys who immediately ask if that means we can have a threesome, the women who ask if I’m just experimenting with lesbian sex, and the horrifying ones who tell me I’m going to hell before they block me.
I have had a few good responses; one guy who was relieved because he was the same, and he was happy he didn’t have to explain it. We went out for a few months but we realised it wasn’t going to work out, despite some similarities we ultimately wanted different things, and the chemistry just wasn’t there in the bedroom. We lost touch after that. There was a girl who was happy for me to date men while seeing her but would rather I didn’t see any other women. That was okay with me too but she ended up not being able to deal with it in the end…which I totally get, non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. There was a stream of people I kind of felt were just dating me so they could tick me off some sort of bucket list, they were all an interesting experience.
I can’t remember at what point I got fed up of trying to explain it to people, and decided to just not mention it until I’d been on at least one date with someone. See if we clicked in person, and had chemistry before I told them. It’s funny how much it changed my online dating experience. I had a really great first date with a guy, we’d really clicked online and got on really well. He was older than me but only by five years, and he was just kind of adorable in the things he would say. I’d had a few bad experiences so I decided I wasn’t going to sleep with him on the first date. I was hoping if I took sex off the table things might go better.
We planned a fab day time date, something that appealed to the geek in both of us. We met at the cinema and went to see a new comic book film. We had really great chemistry, and when he took my hand in the cinema it felt totally natural. After the cinema, we headed off to a pub for a late lunch. Four hours later we were still chatting, laughing, and kissing in the hidden booth at the back of the pub. We ended up going to another couple of pubs, I’d switched to soda at some point because I didn’t want to get drunk. I was having too much fun. We’d been out all day together. It was about 9pm, we were walking between pubs, and he was talking about checking his train times so he could get home. I casually asked if his return ticket was open, when he said yes, I told him he could come home with me if he wanted. He actually stumbled as my words hit him. I have to admit that made me smile a lot.
We had one last drink, and then headed back to mine. My housemates were in the living room when we got in so I felt I had to do a quick intro before heading up to my room. I put on a film, and we snuggled up on my bed to watch it. We continued the touching, stroking and kissing that had been started in the pub but because we had privacy we were able to start taking off layers, and getting naked. Afterwards we cuddled up and he fell asleep stroking my hair. The next morning, we had some more fun together and then we got to chatting. As I talked about various things, little bits of doubt started creeping in. He was a monogamous guy, which is totally cool but seemed to think I would become monogamous when I met the right guy. There were a few other little things that gave me pause, and I ended up deciding not to see him again. He was a really nice guy; very sweet, caring, considerate, and the sex was really good. We just weren’t right for each other.
When you’re online dating it’s quite hard to be bisexual, non-monogamous and kinky using ‘regular’ (or vanilla) dating apps. Even more so when you houseshare, and feel awkward bringing people home on the first date. Which is why websites like SwingTowns are such a great idea, they take a lot of the worry out of online dating for people like me, people who society seems to consider the weird people of the dating world.
You can read more of my dating tales here.
**Disclaimer – This article was written in conjunction with SwingTowns, The Leading Open, Poly, Kink and Swingers Dating Social Network.