Do you do sexual things in your relationship just for your partner that you don’t like doing? Are you always the one trying to keep your friends or family happy? Are you a people-pleaser? Come share your stories – sexy or not!
I was going to write an erotic piece about submission, and wanting to please a dom but in the end I realised I had something else I needed to say.
I’m a people pleaser. I will bend over backwards to make the other people around me happy, especially if they’re having a bad time. I will spend money I can’t afford to get them a gift that I hope will make them smile. I will take time to visit them, even if it is a distance away. I will do what I can to please them.
This need-to-please extends to other areas too. This isn’t always the best thing. I put up with a lot from my ‘family’ after I lost my dad; I had to sort out everything, look after everyone else. No -one was looking after me. This lasted for about a year after, then I tried to kill myself. I’d timed it all so I would have at least 24 hours but my boyfriend had forgotten his phone, came back and found me. None of my ‘family’ visited me in the hospital, or afterwards when I was home.
I had to see a psychiatrist for the next 18 months. It was there that I learnt it isn’t my responsibility to please other people. It’s not up to me to make someone else happy. The person I need to please is me. We talked a lot about how certain people in my lives were emotional takers, and it was not just okay but necessary to remove them from my life. So I did. And my life is definitely better for not having the step-monsters in it.
There are areas I am working on, where I am still a people pleaser. I will still go the extra mile for someone, then later see how little it was appreciated, and beat myself up for it. I’ve also been known to do thing I didn’t really want to do in the bedroom because things have gotten to a point where I want to stop but I know what is happening is making the other person happy, so I don’t say anything. In the past I have done things like given someone a hand/blow job because I didn’t want to have sex but wanted to please them. Yes, really.
I also think part of me being a people pleaser is because of some emotionally questionable relationships in my far past. I had a few relationships that have been categorised as abusive but that I don’t feel comfortable calling that. Yes, things happened I wasn’t on-board with but I was never beaten, I could say no. That didn’t always mean my no meant anything but I could, which meant I learnt the lesson that sometimes you just go with it because it will be over quicker. Do something for them to get it done. No, it’s not healthy but it was a lesson I learnt. One I am still working on unlearning.
I am still a people pleaser.