Struggling – A Personal Post on Depression

A Personal Post

I’m struggling at the moment.

struggling

Struggling to write. Struggling to form thoughts. Struggling to connect. Even struggling with sex.

Struggling with Depression

I have uni work to do because I need to get it finished. I cannot keep going with it hanging over me, and I owe it to myself at the very least to pass it. My deadline is early January, and I have around 40K worth of words  (over 3 projects) to be handed in. I have some of it already done but it is in very rough draft form, so needs serious rewriting. Plus everything needs serious editing. Which I actually find almost more difficult than the initial writing. There’s so much to do that I have to think about it in small chunks, if I think of it as a whole I stall completely because it just feels like way too much to do.

Add to this the fact that I need to keep putting articles here on the blog, I owe it to my readers (not to mention to my advertisers) to keep fresh content up. I have items that I need to finish testing and get the reviews published. I have ideas for posts and erotica (not to mentions some detailed plans) that I want to write but it’s taking forever to actually get words out. And even longer for those words to be coherent and structured.

I feel like I’ve lost myself. I know ‘they’ tell you that you should only compare yourself to yourself but sometimes it’s hard to remember that, especially when you’re surrounded by people who you consider to be much better writers. Or people who are more experienced. Sometimes without meaning to (at least I assume it’s not intentional) those people manage to make me feel as if everything I’m doing is wrong, or somehow not enough. I think some of that stems from the fact that we all have different approaches, and sometimes it’s hard not to think the way we do things is the only or best way.

My approach to HornyGeekGirl has always been honesty, I talk about the bad stuff. My Twitter feed includes the bad stuff, I use it to moan, and to complain. I AM MY BRAND, and that means it is me all of it is who I am. It’s the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is all of me…and it has been from the start. If you’re here reading this I assume you know that, unless you’re just here for the erotica in which case please excuse this self-indulgent post, and feel free to read something from my Masturbation Monday page. If you have followed me on twitter for anything more than a few weeks you will have seen the range of my tweets; I share almost everything because that’s who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and what you see is what you get, if I’m happy I’ll say I’m happy. If I’m sad I’ll say I’m sad. If I’m struggling I’ll say I’m struggling. I am assuming people like that about me seeing as my twitter follower numbers keep rising, and also considering my blog stats are improving all the time.

It’s hard to feel confident about what I do despite the positive things I mentioned when you see the way you do things being referred to as unprofessional. If companies I work with really have an issue with how I ‘present’ myself, surely they wouldn’t have chosen to work with me in the first place. If people don’t like what I share surely they will stop following me, stop reading, and that would show in my stats. Not that I know how to be any other way. This is who I am. I have always ‘marched to my own drum’, I don’t think that’s going to change. So either I continue being me and it works, or it doesn’t. Only time will tell.

I need it to work, this is the first time in my life where I am doing something that feels right, something that isn’t making me ill. I might be struggling at the moment but this work isn’t the cause. This work is my lifeline right now, what is making it hard are my fears and self-doubt. Every minute I spend working I feel guilty for not doing my uni work but while I am supposed to be doing uni work all I can think about is work. It makes it very difficult to do either. Add to that the fact that this time of year my depression really kicks into high gear, and so I am currently fighting the brain fog that settles in along with it.

It also means I am struggling to communicate. I want to talk to people but I find I have trouble coming up with things to talk about. Even when it is something I really want to talk about I can’t seem to pick the words I need. So instead of reaching out I pull back, I close myself off. I avoid conversations altogether. In person it is easy to not talk; you can hang out, watch a film, listen to music, anything. Online it is hard to be in contact without having conversations, you end up vaguely touching base just to keep up but not really managing to engage.

I’m struggling at the moment.

12 thoughts on “Struggling – A Personal Post on Depression

  1. Do you feel this way often? Or is it seasonal? I tend to have more issues when fall sets in living in the northeast where the sunshine forgets we exist. I would recommend having your vitamin levels checked, you might be low on your levels. Women tend to have more issues during fall and winter. Either way, you’re definitely not alone even thigh you may feel that way. Keep sharing, keep feeling, keep being you. XoXo

    • I have clinical depression (had it since I was 15 and it comes and goes). This time of year is bad because of birthdays and christmas…celebrating isn’t the same with no family. I take a vegan multivit and mineral supplement, as well as my anti-depressant. I also try to eat lots of bright coloured ‘med’ veg (tomatoes, peppers,etc) because they have lots of natural vit D…..and they taste good. 😀

      It does get worse this time of year but I am usually good by early January. It just feels rough now, and sometimes hard to remember I can get through it.

      Thanks for commenting. 🙂 *hugs* xox

      • Could be Seasonal Affective Disorder. GREAT acronym, of course. Treat it with light therapy. I’ve got a “shop light” fixture over my computer table; 4 48 inch florescent tubes, two regular and two “grow light” tubes. Get up a half-hour earlier in the morning and sit under BRIGHT lights. It’s amazing how much better I feel.

        Never do this in the evening, because bright lights will interfere with your body’s clock trying to get ready to go to sleep. But to wake up in the morning, it’s better than coffee.

          • After having my illness for 22 years, do you not think I may have tried them already? I have found taking a supplement that includes vit D to be just as effective as the lights. Thank you for your opinion though. Always nice when people assume you haven’t tried the obvious solutions to something.

            I was trying to be polite but please stop lecturing me on an illness I have lived with for more than half of my life.

  2. Seems we have both been struggling of late. I was finally on the upturn again but have had a setback with my son that I am trying very hard not to let it get the best of me. You will get through it, one day and one piece at a time. Depression is a bitch!

    • Sending massive hugs.

      You are right, I will get through this, and so will you.

      It really is. Currently feel like my body and brain are letting me down…..it is driving me nuts.

      *hugs*

  3. I have never suffered from depression (as far as I know) but I have been through a burnout where I really doubted myself and even though I wanted to do a lot of things, I just couldn’t. I cannot begin to understand how difficult it must be for you to get through times like these, but what I do know is that you are a fighter and you will get through this. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts!

    Rebel xox

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