A Personal Post
I’m struggling at the moment.
Struggling to write. Struggling to form thoughts. Struggling to connect. Even struggling with sex.
Struggling with Depression
I have uni work to do because I need to get it finished. I cannot keep going with it hanging over me, and I owe it to myself at the very least to pass it. My deadline is early January, and I have around 40K worth of words (over 3 projects) to be handed in. I have some of it already done but it is in very rough draft form, so needs serious rewriting. Plus everything needs serious editing. Which I actually find almost more difficult than the initial writing. There’s so much to do that I have to think about it in small chunks, if I think of it as a whole I stall completely because it just feels like way too much to do.
Add to this the fact that I need to keep putting articles here on the blog, I owe it to my readers (not to mention to my advertisers) to keep fresh content up. I have items that I need to finish testing and get the reviews published. I have ideas for posts and erotica (not to mentions some detailed plans) that I want to write but it’s taking forever to actually get words out. And even longer for those words to be coherent and structured.
I feel like I’ve lost myself. I know ‘they’ tell you that you should only compare yourself to yourself but sometimes it’s hard to remember that, especially when you’re surrounded by people who you consider to be much better writers. Or people who are more experienced. Sometimes without meaning to (at least I assume it’s not intentional) those people manage to make me feel as if everything I’m doing is wrong, or somehow not enough. I think some of that stems from the fact that we all have different approaches, and sometimes it’s hard not to think the way we do things is the only or best way.
My approach to HornyGeekGirl has always been honesty, I talk about the bad stuff. My Twitter feed includes the bad stuff, I use it to moan, and to complain. I AM MY BRAND, and that means it is me all of it is who I am. It’s the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is all of me…and it has been from the start. If you’re here reading this I assume you know that, unless you’re just here for the erotica in which case please excuse this self-indulgent post, and feel free to read something from my Masturbation Monday page. If you have followed me on twitter for anything more than a few weeks you will have seen the range of my tweets; I share almost everything because that’s who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and what you see is what you get, if I’m happy I’ll say I’m happy. If I’m sad I’ll say I’m sad. If I’m struggling I’ll say I’m struggling. I am assuming people like that about me seeing as my twitter follower numbers keep rising, and also considering my blog stats are improving all the time.
It’s hard to feel confident about what I do despite the positive things I mentioned when you see the way you do things being referred to as unprofessional. If companies I work with really have an issue with how I ‘present’ myself, surely they wouldn’t have chosen to work with me in the first place. If people don’t like what I share surely they will stop following me, stop reading, and that would show in my stats. Not that I know how to be any other way. This is who I am. I have always ‘marched to my own drum’, I don’t think that’s going to change. So either I continue being me and it works, or it doesn’t. Only time will tell.
I need it to work, this is the first time in my life where I am doing something that feels right, something that isn’t making me ill. I might be struggling at the moment but this work isn’t the cause. This work is my lifeline right now, what is making it hard are my fears and self-doubt. Every minute I spend working I feel guilty for not doing my uni work but while I am supposed to be doing uni work all I can think about is work. It makes it very difficult to do either. Add to that the fact that this time of year my depression really kicks into high gear, and so I am currently fighting the brain fog that settles in along with it.
It also means I am struggling to communicate. I want to talk to people but I find I have trouble coming up with things to talk about. Even when it is something I really want to talk about I can’t seem to pick the words I need. So instead of reaching out I pull back, I close myself off. I avoid conversations altogether. In person it is easy to not talk; you can hang out, watch a film, listen to music, anything. Online it is hard to be in contact without having conversations, you end up vaguely touching base just to keep up but not really managing to engage.
I’m struggling at the moment.