Two of Me — Wicked Wednesday #14

Wicked Wednesday

Welcome to my 14th post for Rebel’s Notes‘ Wicked Wednesday, Two of Me. You don’t have to use the prompt but I like the inspiration, and challenge. The prompt for this week was:

two of meTwo can mean so many things… two people, two weeks, two years, two books, two movies. It can also mean that something happened twice or two can refer to twins. Let your imagination run free and share your stories – fictional or not – about ‘two’ with for Wicked Wednesday.

(Please make your stories no longer than 1200 words.)

 

Two of Me

I often feel like I’m two people. There’s Cheryl; she’s confident, smart, funny, and sexy. She writes smut, and reviews sex toys, and has sexy fun with hot guys. She has lots of friends who are always happy to see her. She has her moments of doubt but they are few, and she shakes them off easily. She sees new things as an exciting adventure. She loves a challenge, something that pushes her boundaries. She’s willing to try (almost) anything. She trusts people but she’s not a pushover. She’s ambitious; so many things she wants to see and do, places she wants to go, people she wants to meet in person. She lives in the moment, and isn’t hampered by the past. When things go wrong, she laughs it off, and turns it into a positive.

I love being Cheryl, she’s fun……and she has fun.

Then there’s the other me, the one I don’t want to be. She’s always fighting to stay afloat, fighting just to survive. She has few real friends, and constantly worries about losing them because people she cares about have a tendency to leave her. She’s not as smart as she wishes she was, even when she works hard she barely scrapes by. She tries to be funny but often says the wrong thing, and just embarrasses people. She wants to be sexy but never feels like she’s pulling it off. She’s awkward, uncomfortable in her own skin, and it shows. New things and changes fill her with dread and anxiety. She’s scared to go for the things she wants because she’s always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She can never enjoy the good times because part of her is waiting for it to all go wrong. She is shackled by a wealth of past experience, the things that all add up to tell her the bad stuff is what will always happen, it is what she deserves, she doesn’t get to be happy.

I don’t want to be her, I hate being her.

But I have to accept the two of me because if it wasn’t for the other me, Cheryl wouldn’t be doing half the things she does. The other me keeps surviving, keeps us alive, so that Cheryl can have her fun. I just need to work out how to mix the two sides. To start living instead of just surviving. To accept both parts of me.

 

 

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Two of Me

14 thoughts on “Two of Me — Wicked Wednesday #14

  1. II think you are a genuine, caring person. Creative and artistic, strong and witty. Gorgeous and sexy. Write that down on a post it note and stick it to your bathroom mirror. Every morning, repeat those words to yourself. Say them loud and proud, and believe them, because they are the TRUTH.

    xoxoxox

  2. I totally agree with Oleander that you are an awesome person and I think you should follow her advice. That said, I think we all have two sides to us. My horoscope is Pisces and I always say that I can sometimes be the one fish, sometimes the other 😉

    You are great!

    Rebel xox

  3. I’ve read of a lot of bloggers stating that they almost become the “self” that they portray, and it’s almost a negative. I don’t know what’s wrong with having two selves, and if one of your selves feel more positive, why not draw strength from that?

    I’m sorry you feel you are just getting by: I like the note that Oleander suggested.

    • 🙂 I might get myself a new notebook and start a little positivity journal of some sort. 🙂

  4. I think Oleander suggestion is brilliant. I also think that the young woman I met at Eroticon just needs to accept being Cheryl is who she is the other side of her is who she was…. Its how we evolve as people, we are not the same people all our lives, imagine how dull and boring it would be if we were. Sadly friends and family can be very resistant to other peoples change but I have found that if you give them time they will come round

    Mollyxxx

    • Thanks Molly. You make a really good point about how we evolve and change. It’s true we do. 🙂 xx

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  6. I don’t want to sound harsh but Cheryl is you. You might have a different name is some arenas of you life but if Cheryl has friends, energy and confidence then you have those things. Stop holding on to the idea that Cheryl is a construct and live your full life. Every complete person has the fun and the struggle. It is really important for your sense of self to understand that you are multifaceted but that without any of them, you are less. Don’t hanker over one facet, enjoy the completeness of the jewel that you are.

    • Thank you. My issue is more a result of the depression. I don’t want to be ill, I hate that the illness makes me like that. I had a huge wobble this weekend, and completely mortified myself. But I totally appreciate what you’re saying, and you are right, it is all me. 🙂

  7. It could easily have been me writing that. As Bee, I have friends, I’m happy and I have confidence. The real me has none of that and over the past week or so that side of me has been more prevailant. I know it’s my stupid negative brain.

    In the past week I’ve realised I am Bee, those friends that can’t accept me for who I am aren’t my friends and Twitter and the blogging community is where I socialise now.

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